O_O . . .

Can I be her when I grow-up?

Still am who I was, but maybe a little bit wiser . . .

"I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more."- C.S. Lewis

It took me many years to figure this out. I also needed the time to come into my own, find strength within myself instead of from others alone. Only then I felt I could share my sadness, burdens, and happiness with the few I felt close to. Also, I couldn't encourage others to confide in me if I chose not to share with them. Sharing my thoughts and feelings definitely opens me up for hurt and betrayal, but the other option is to remain closed off for the fear of being hurt and that is a weakness on its own. Misery is part of life, every life, but what we do with it, what other emotions we allow for ourselves is up to us, right?

Perspective . . .

I was on a train ride home from class, when a homeless man came onto the train. Instead of "performing" for the people on the train to get attention and support, he directly spoke to us about his situation of sleeping on a bench, not having enough to eat, not having a home. He asked for and said he'd appreciate any help he could get. When he came by my way, I gave him my spare change because I didn't have any singles on me--what I gave was nothing substantial. But while I awkwardly struggled to get my change out, I had to balance my cup of over-priced coffee in one hand, while I gave a man who said that he had no home a few cents.

It's like everything became crystalline and came into focus. I was a douche-bag.

I could spend five dollars on an unnecessary and overly sweet coffee at night-time, but I couldn't spare that same amount to someone who didn't have anything. Why--because I wasn't sure if he was being honest or running a scam? Would sparing the five dollars be that detrimental to me if it was a lie, especially when it could help him in the case that it's true? If he was lying, I would feel like I lost more than my money. However, if that man was lying on the subway simply to get money to pay for his vices, he's already in worse shape than me with a few bucks less. I don't know, I guess I expect more from myself and it's jarring to realize how closed-off and jaded I can be.

Summertime is not what it used to be . . .

I miss the time when the livin' was easy :/As I get older, the less easy it seemingly gets.

This might be a simple thought, but . . .

. . . how does one forgive another? I know that its possibility depends on the degree of the injustice, including who hurt you and the motive. But how do you actually forgive? It took me a long time to realize that time doesn't heal all wounds, rather, it provides us the emotional distance from the event to learn to bear with it. Healing and growth is involved, I know, also the action of "letting go." But there is a line between what should and can be let go, and what should be the deciding factor to part ways.

I guess I'm struggling with this grey area, where I have tried to find meaning in the other person's upbringing, point of view, thought process, and emotional deficiencies. Not necessarily to justify what was done, but to understand the scope of the person's emotional capacity and accept that people have limits. Some try to combat those limits and grow, while others remain stunted, either by choice or capacity.

Does it come down to what's more important: the injustice, the grudge, what's left of the relationship, or moving on with your own life? Is it considered a grudge (meaning it has the potential to harm you because you're holding onto such negative and toxic emotions), or is it wisdom? I do believe that it's possible to forgive without forgetting, but I don't know if I'm deluding myself.

No Pain, No Gain . . .

It's insane how life works sometimes.Tell me how I pull a muscle in my neck and shoulder while tying my hair into a ponytail? It's taking an injury for me to take some time off from work. That is a wake-up call--my body is forcing me to stop and rest. I should have paid better attention. My shoulder has been hurting on and off for over a month now, but I pushed it aside, thinking that it would heal itself. My body decided to teach me a lesson instead. Eh, it's a beautiful day outside, the break from work provides me time to finish some school assignments, and I get to enjoy my morning coffee instead of rushing through it to get to work on time. I'm trying to accept the silver-lining as compensation for the fact that I can't look to my right, left, up or down without turning my entire torso in that direction. =_________= BLARG!

Dreamed a Life . . .

This song has me nostalgic for my childhood and summer. The simple freedom of the season and of that age are what I miss. I knew that childhood was fleeting, even at that age, which made growing up a strange experience: I didn't want it to happen because of what I would lose, while knowing it was inevitable. Not that I would want to live a Peter-Pan life anyway, ha. That's a whole can-of-worms on its own.

I wonder what I'm waiting for, what is it that I think will motivate me, or inspire me, to start living my life the way I would like to? What's the hold-up? Fear? Fear that if I truly try, and I fail, I won't even have the hope of what could have been? Fear that if I go in the directions I want to, I'm letting go of what I know, trying to balance on a tightrope with little confidence in my ability to make it to the other side? The fear that if I really rely on myself, really embrace the responsibility to myself, that I will not be able to fulfill it or that I will wander down a path that I would not be able to return from if it doesn't pan out?

After all this philosophizing, I realize I have so much more to grow. The amount of cynicism I hold doesn't necessarily correlate with how mature I really am XD I wish maturity/growth/wisdom was guaranteed as we got older.

Maria Taylor's "Time Lapse Lifeline"